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Saturday, April 16, 2011

And the Rain fall some more.

The rain is pouring down here in Pa. As it pours and soaks the earth I sit here in a pile of crafting supplies in preparation for our upcoming Easter egg event at our church next weekend. The weather man says there is a tornado watch. The kids don't have a worry in the world . Their watching a Marathon of sorts of all the Toy story movies. I had hoped we could have gone out to play today but the rain comes down again. This is definitely our rainy season. I long for spring only to have this.

To keep us all busy the children painted their Easter eggs this afternoon. The older kids have lost the zeal of being excited about the activity. Spirit now he was so excited that he dropped several eggs giving us egg salad for dinner. Sweet pea even jumped in on the activities painting eggs with a little assistance. She just loves things like that, which is no surprise, since pretty much all of them have with the exception of Princess who has never liked trying to be creative. I have so much whirling around in my head but not much I want to share right now. Along with all the changes and challenges the last year or so has created a change in me. I'm not sure that anyone has noticed this change because it is buried so deep to the depths where no one can touch it. It's impossible to express.

As close as I can get is possibly touching and seeing a flower as it is opening and realizing there is no turning back. Knowing that it will bloom with all of its beauty and then one day wither away. I'm at the opening of the beauty and mesmerizing each little glisten of water as it falls, each little breeze that moves it. Where is my place it whispers.

When I was a little girl on occasion we would camp with my grandparents. I always got so excited about the event and then disappointed all at the same time. I had envisioned what it would be before it was. I lost the luster of the activity. I would be so excited about playing in the creek. I'd rush to get my wet clothes on and sneakers only to then stand in the water trying to figure out what I was going to do next. The sheer excitement of getting there and now we were there had gone. I'd look at the water with my Styrofoam cup looking for something to instantly appear for my approval but it took much longer than that. We could be there all day and not really see much but the smooth rocks on the creek floor. Others might get excited about moving the rocks around or looking for crayfish.

I honestly don't know what I expected. What I longed for but I had put it so high in my own mind that it made me sad that it wasn't what I had hoped. I forgot to live in the moment because there was so much around me to explore and see and I forgot and got lost in myself. I feel like I have been sleeping and someone woke me. Now here lies the vast big world and what will I do with it. Shall I go back to sleep to rather not know or know and live. I choose knowing and living. This all probably doesn't make much sense to all of you but I appreciate a place to semi let it go. Possibly one day I'll tell you my story.



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